Trying to decide what to do the next few days. We are kid free! Hubbs folks are back from their Alaskan Adventure and offered to take off with the kids to see the Duluth friends and relatives. Gabriel is really excited. We drew out the calendar last night so he could see the days remaining until ‘Yia Yia comes to get me in her little car.’ His words, not mine.
Pretty sure I’m just going to end up killing off the yard (it needs it) and lazing away my day, you know Peg Bundy style (where can I get tight tiger striped pants, big hair and bon bons?).
What I should be doing is processing images, cleaning up my hard drive (and house) and organizing well, everything. Yeah, plans don’t always work out. I think I may read a book. It has been too long since I’ve played with pages.
So I’m playing with a new ‘theme’ on wordpress. A lot of the ones I really like cost $$ and well, that’s not going to happen any time soon. I don’t spend enough time on here to justify it. Plus, in wonderful twist of fate sorta way, we are definitely working on making RMSP work on 2014!
Last week Hubbs and chitlins along with myself met with a finance adviser and he took a look at our books. I know I’m pretty good with our finances. Hubbs and I have been through a lot and figured out our plan. But, I know a second look is a good thing. Finance guy found ‘extra’ money. Money that I hadn’t been ‘seeing’. Some times you have to take a step back in order to see just how to make things work. With that, he took our paperwork and came up with a number that was pretty achievable and would allow us to pay for the majority of RMSP BY OURSELVES!!!!
Yes, I did type that. In all caps too. It will be hard. It will not be easy. But if we stick to the plan, we can do it. Now to cancel our evil Wells Fargo account, transfer it to one of the lovely credit unions in our area, and begin. We still need to get our emergency fund topped off (jeep repairs hit us pretty hard a month ago) and save up for ECFE and Circus Juventas class, a long with pay off the little bit of medical we have from slammed fingers in door and super high fever for way too many days, and we can begin. Just knowing that we can to it has been a game changer for me. That and spending time with my gal pal Christy, photographing bees and sunflowers (still processing most of those, kiddos don’t leave much time during the day for that sort of thing).
So for now, here is something new:
This about sums up how I feel. There’s a key element missing. It was there. Then it went away, and here I’ve been, sitting up on the center stand.
I get depressed. This past year has been one hell of an up and down. Today I realized (though I’m pretty sure I’ve know it all along) that in an effort to toss a blanket over the pain of not going to RMSP, I filled out summer with all sorts of accomplishing stuff. The Warrior Dash, was, well, sort of all ready there. Then I wanted to do the back yard (weed haven that it is), get the newer motorcycle (which now has a crack in the gas tank), go on our motorcycle trip, and run another Warrior Dash (while getting into shape with the Hubbs).
Its almost as if when it rains it pours ;P
Due to Jeep repairs we used up all of our emergency cash and have to cut back on many of the things we wanted to do. Finances are just a bit of the depression. They are not all of it, but boy do they tend to really make things worse.
Hubbs took the kids with him today to hang out with friends. Though he didn’t want to, he did. In the middle of our discussion he said ‘Take this gift of today without any one’. It hit home. I need this. I need time to grab the rope that he has thrown me. To catch my breath from struggling in this quicksand and realize that the results of grabbing the rope far out weigh the benefits of sinking slowly into depression’s hug.
I look at my friends and how they are advancing and I feel stuck. I feel that I need to advance too. But that my shot at it has passed so I’m grasping at straws. I feel like I need to do things. I need to be busy. I know this is just a cover, a band aid for an internal wound. I’m not the kind of person who sits on the couch or doesn’t get out of bed when depressed. I’m the kind that pushes forward and comes up with new things to do. Keeps busy. Keeping busy means you don’t feel what was, you just feel what is and what will be. It means that some time out there in the future, all of your feelings will catch up to you and a crack appears in your wall. (and you, little amy pond, live with it. waiting for the day when your friend the doctor comes and helps you make it go away). Yup. that’s my kinda dealing with depression. Pick up and move on.
And that is exactly what I have been doing. Even writing this now, I’ve spend more time trying to find a gas tank for the motorcycle than spending time with me. Granted, I am me, and I am searching…you know what I mean.
Anyways. I need to watch myself the next bit and just try to not pile on too many goals and lists. Tough to do seeing that my house is a mess and I’ve the day to myself.
Since I’m rather stagnant in the moving forward with any form of formal education, I do what I do. I create projects.
After reading up on various techniques for long exposure photography (both night and day) I created a project. You, cuz it sounded like a good idea at the time. Just like running the Warrior Dash did (I could find all of my sore muscles on a gym poster after that).
So here is the project. Long daytime exposure on a busy street corner with a stationary person as the subject. Not quite sure how I am going to accomplish this seeing as I only own one ND filter (its a two stop) and I own welding glass (which roughly comes out at a 10 stop difference).
Fleshing out the idea more, I found my subject matter (my niece Izzy Kae, who is a talented and aspiring violinist). I still need to find the street corner (St Paul I think, a location with a few hours of heavy foot traffic, not so much interested in vehicles), and I still need to figure out technique. Lots of playing around to do. Not as easy as one might think with Gabriel (3yrs) and Bryhilde (9mos) hanging off the tripod.
I did manage however to figure out how to attach the welding glass to the camera. DIY photography article I read said use rubberbands and put your lens hood on backwards. My lens hood does not do that, so, I did this
The color rubber bands make it ;P
I still need to work out exposure lengths. A minute at the minimum it seems. Only had a little bit of time to play the other day. We’ll see. I may have to break down and either beg, borrow or buy a real filter.
Months have passed I see. As you know, I am horrible at this blogging thing. I am much better at facebook. The thought has crossed my mind to shelve the blog and just do a facebook page. I’m too lazy at the moment to make it any more than a thought.
I have fallen in lust with my iPhone and instagram. Letting you know now, so you can click away if you feel the need.
Being in the very deep rut that I was in, getting my camera phone (yes, I call it my camera phone.) Has been AWESOME.
There I said it. AWESOME.
It is with me most of the time. I love the instant gratification and portability (can’t carry the dSLR on the motorcycle with out planning for it to come along.) AND, this is my big and, I got at the most perfect time in my life.
You see, there is this place that I have slipped into called the doldrums. I am motionless in my ship. It took me a while to find that I have an oar on board. The oar turned out to be the iPhone (and a week with just my son, Gabriel 3yrs, hanging out). I have since found a bit of a breeze and started up a few projects and brainstormed a few more. Some involving the iPhone others with other cameras.
So as ride this light breeze around in my little 14 foot sunfish sailboat with my oar, I promise to bore you all with my instagramed images and ideas. For it is these images and ideas that have sparked a renewed and passionate look at myself, my family, my life and our dreams. I just have to remember that slow progress IS progress and that God’s got my back. He knows where we need to go regardless of others thoughts, opinions and feelings.
So I leave you now with a taste of my giddiness over a tiny project I call ‘The Process of Food; iPhone/instagram’
Yes I am that annoying person who likes to take images of my food. At least I strive for composition and good lighting.
Off to run. Oh, did I tell you, Hubbs and I did our first Warrior Dash at the end of June. We’re in training to do the one coming up in September. As tired as I am today, I will run. It’s helped me through the depression. Some. Really, it’s given me a goal and something new to gripe about ;P
What are you doing awake?
You should be in bed, no?
Me? I’m awake. Why? oh, I am finally free of demands other than my own. What am I doing?
Well I ain’t playing Angry Birds.
I’m awake. At least I’m making myself stay wake a little longer. I don’t get much time to dedicate to my work that I would like, or really, need to. So I’m up looking at shipping costs to Germany (Yikes!) and trying to find original image files (time to hook the terra byte drive back up) to send tiffs instead of jpegs to Oregon for a possible show there. If I’m accepted. That’s the hard part. There’s all these other costs. Shipping and printing and return shipping and insurance. Enough to make an ostrich out of yours truly. Especially when dirty diapers and bumps and bruises come first. Plus time flies. All of these deadlines are coming up this week. The 7th, the 10th, the 25th. And no where is it posted the dates that shipments need to arrive.
Who knows where this will lead. Battle rage in my head on whether or not it’s worth it, bad finance timing and so much personally going on.
I don’t know. So I’m awake when I should be sleeping. I’m staring longingly at the future when I aught to be tucked in bed next to Hubbs. But I’m not. I’m here, griping to the world about a few upcoming decisions among many.
I’ll let you know. But for right now I’m looking at exchange rates.
Today, while wasting away on the internet, I get an email in my inbox. This email came to me by way of an art gallery that has houses in both London and Berlin. The email states that “You are invited to apply to participate into the third round of the ”2012 PROJECT BERLIN““.
A little skeptical, I jump to the nearest search engine and low and behold! The galleries exist. Factory-Art has been hosting exhibitions since 2006. Check them out at www.Factory-art.com.
I am truly stunned that they found me. They did state in the email that they found me through artist’s websites. So, who ever you are that has a link to my work, I express my deep gratitude.
Now, what to do. Obviously the first step is to submit. Then once I find out if my work is accepted, how on earth am I going to afford to send my work overseas? I may have to hold another sale, post on craigslist or sell a limb. One of the pieces I want to put in for consideration will be at the Plains Art Museum in Fargo until the end of May. So this means getting another one made along with having any others printed, shipped to me, then repackaged and shipped out to Berlin. Yes, Berlin. In Germany. Not Wisconsin. There is no road trip to the Opening or to drop off/pick up my pieces. Its all international shipping rates. Damn. I should look those up to see if this is even feasible.
But for now, Somebody on the other side of the earth likes my work! The internet is amazing!